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1. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
2. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.
3. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
4. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
5. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
6. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just f**k off and leave me alone.
7. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
8. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbour’s milk, that’s the time to do it.
9. Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
10. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
11. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
12.Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
13. That way, when you criticise them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
14.If at first you don’t succeed, sky diving is not for you.
15. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
16.If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
17. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
18. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
19.Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
20. If I tell you on facebook I am standing on a cliff contemplating jumping, don’t poke me!